Heavy, It's so Heavy

I know I rag on all these self-diagnosers and hypochondriacs (which my newest roommate is - please do not even get me started on that), but I have recently decided to figure what, exactly, is wrong with me.

Truthfully, too much to count.  And it's best if you don't comment on that, either.

But for the longest time I have had this pretty serious problem with social awkwardness.  Now, this isn't the root of my problems, but it is the most damaging.  I have a hard time making eye contact with people I have known for a while now.  I can't just go over and say hi to someone because I have convinced myself that they don't care.  In class, even though I know the answer, the thought of raising my hand to give it makes me break out in a sweat.  I can't even make eye contact with my professors, I am so afraid that they will pick me and I'll make a fool out of myself.  I even get mini-panic attacks thinking  about having to do something social.  I will try my absolute hardest to get out of it, though I know that is just making it worse.

Take note - this is some stuff that I have never actually told anyone.  But I am working through it.

So I was assigned this personal essay for my writing class this semester, and one of the topics was "Something (a disease or ailment) that has persisted throughout your life."  So I chose anxiety.  I always knew I had some forms of anxiety - you can't have consistent panic attacks and not have an anxiety disorder.  So I researched it.

And found the two disorders that are related, yet not.  Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  Social Anxiety Disorder.  And they just clicked within me.  This is after, of course, my denial (there is nothing wrong with me!) and I had calmed enough to realize they made a lot of sense.  (I will later post my essay, once it is revised a few more times.  I really like it though!)

Then I found what is called the Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale.  So I trolled over it for a few minutes, taking the little test.  Lo and behold, I score a 112.  When a 92 snaps you into the "very severe social phobia", scoring such a high number kind of frightened me. I hadn't realized it was that bad.


But then I thought about it.  And how many opportunities I have missed over the years, how many grades I sacrificed, because even thinking about them made my heart pound and my muscles ache. I realized it really wasn't too far-fetched.  


So as of now, I don't know what I will do.  I will attempt to conquer this on my own - and I know I can.  Because that is who I am, and now that I really get that something is wrong, I can't just leave it alone.  I have to at least try.


(I would, however, like to note that I still have never said any of these words out loud - admitting them sounds like defeat, not to mention how I am afraid any one I tell won't believe me.  Its irrational, I get it.  Its supposed to be.)